Growing up without a father, at some point it occurred to me that I may be negatively affected in ways I don't immediately understand. Therefore I started adopting role models and taking things from them that I thought made a good man. Things I studied and practiced for myself. I wanted to understand how to age, how to be a father (when I get there), how to advocate, when to advocate, what to say and how to say it, how long I should wait, who I should talk to, many many things. Guys like Ben, my co-teacher at Boys Leadership showed me how not to sweat, how to approach people in intimidating situations, and not to let my sweat show. Guys like Russ showed me how enjoyable being a father, biologically and in spirit, can be, and how there is power in tight relationships. I learned lots from guys I couldn't stand at the time, enemies in my head who didn't have a reason to tell me what was for my own good in a nice way, or who got what I thought I deserved but were willing to do what I wasn't.
Moments like the other morning are what make me reflect on this growth. Here, there is a "no teachers in the class during Arab/Islamic studies" rule. That's maybe 10 periods a week, a lot of time. And there isn't a computer lab in the building, only counters in the room. Not being allowed in your classroom means you can't get a lot of work done. So during a staff meeting I raised my hand out of nowhere and stated (I didn't ask, I stated), "I'm gonna have to be in my class during Arabic and Islamic. Not to cause any tension (bc I know there was some previously), but its just a professional thing. I can understand why they wouldn't want some teachers in the class (bc the kids then go to the classroom teacher instead of the Arabic teacher for things, apparently), but that won't be a problem for me. I'll try to stay out when it isn't necessary for me to be in there." It's not like I wanna see kids during my prep anyway. But I gotta get things done. And it seemed no one was going to mention this issue. Afterward, a bunch of other teachers chimed in with similar gripes. Why didn't they say anything before? Were they willing to continue to put up with this indefinitely. I kind of have this rep here a little bit for cutting to the chase and saying what everyone's thinking. (In NY that's MOST of the teachers I worked with; my former co-teacher advocates W/O hesitation. Definitely learned from her not to take the heavy load on yourself when others would be happy to let you do it - you make them do their part.) I have literally said in my head before deciding to reject the shit sandwich someone was trying to feed me, "What would Ben do? Ben wouldn't take this. He would only advocate bc it made sense." I've found myself saying, "Russ wouldn't give this guy/lady an inch, not if they didn't deserve it and it meant he was being shafted unnecessarily." There's something to be said for turning the other cheek, but my mentors showed me that a man knows that it doesn't have to be, "It's not enough that I win, everyone else must lose." That's how I used to think! Now I'm like, "Lets create a win-win. If not, well, I'm surely not losing SO THAT you can win. I'd love to see you win. Let's both win. If that doesn't work for you, I'm gonna be over here winning; join me when you get a minute." In another context it's why I came to Doha. I couldn't keep telling myself that it was ok for me to be dissatisfied at work and personally. I felt like the man I wanted to become would do something he never did to achieve something he didn't have. I knew I had the answer this time, only it wasn't the present me who knew. So at my most difficult moment last year I asked myself, "What would the man I'm going to become do?" I think he'd do what I'm doing. But I can't be so sure yet, haha.
No comments:
Post a Comment