The 10 Things I "Do All Day"

People always ask me all condescendingly "So what do you do all day?" First of all, my wife gets home at 3pm, so it's certainly not "all day." Secondly, no one asked me that when I was teaching, and trust me, they ain't know (or care about) what the hell I was doing. Thirdly, when you phrase it like that, you're revealing something about what YOU think I do all day. Do you think my GRAND SCHEME was to travel 7000 miles to live/work, and give my employers hell until they allowed me outta my contract so I could do nothing all day under sharia law?? I mean, sure, it worked out pretty damn well, but not even STAR-mutha-effin'-POWER could've PLANNED it that way. 

So here it goes, my top 10 answers to that question:

10. I wait in the lobby for people to get on the elevator and I get in with them. I watch what floor they press, then I jump out and try to beat them to their floor running up the stairs. That's how I stay in shape.

9. Obviously, I spend A LOTTA time tanning by the pool.

8. ANYTHING besides, you know, preparing and planning for this BABY that'll be coming outta my wife in about 6 months.

7. I walk around The Pearl making note of people with clear, smooth and vibrant skin. Their faces tend to make the best masks.

6. I eat Nutella and beat off at every :15 and :45. Spoon in one hand, myself in the other.

5. I promote the WWE app. And Tout. I Tout.

4. I send my wife picture messages of penis lineups and demand that she prove her love and fidelity by identifying which is mine. If she gets it wrong, I show up to the campus, barge in her office, and pull it out screaming "This is ALL I ask of you, and you can't do that for me???!!! Huh?! You can't just pick my penis out of a...I love you, I'm sorry, I love you, I just...I got too much time on my hands and I...*sigh*"

3. Lunches. Brunches. Interviews by the pool.

2. Constantly re-working and fine-tuning my "exit plan." Hope I never need it, but c'mon, it IS the Middle East, no?

1. I DON'T walk around sounding like a narrow-minded hater, wondering what on GOD'S GREEN EARTH could someone do with their day besides the same 9-5/7-3/10-6 that everyone else does.

Here's a hint: I do ALL THE OTHER SH-T, the MILLIONS OF THINGS, we never get a chance to do because we are usually stuck trying to figure out a way out of our jobs or hoping we last to retirement. There's more to do outside of work than there ever could be inside of it.